Reframing Kindness: Beyond the Cliché of “Killing with Kindness”
Hi everyone,
Today I want to talk about a common saying that I think needs to be rephrased or replaced. You know the one: “kill them with kindness”.
The idea behind this saying is that if someone is rude or mean to you, you should respond with kindness and not stoop to their level. By doing so, you might make them feel ashamed of their behavior or even change their attitude towards you. Sounds good, right?
Well, not really. First of all, the word “kill” is very harsh and violent. It implies that you want to harm or destroy the other person, even if it’s metaphorically. That’s not very kind, is it? It also suggests that kindness is a weapon or a tool that you use to manipulate or defeat someone, rather than a genuine expression of your values and feelings.
Secondly, the saying assumes that kindness always works, and that people will always react positively to it. But that’s not always the case. Sometimes people are so entrenched in their negativity that they don’t appreciate or reciprocate your kindness. They might see it as a sign of weakness or an invitation to take advantage of you. They might even resent you for being kind and try to hurt you more.
So what should we do instead? How can we deal with unkind people without compromising our own kindness? Here are some suggestions:
- Instead of saying “kill them with kindness”, say “be kind anyway”. This way, you acknowledge that kindness is not a means to an end, but an end in itself. You are kind because that’s who you are and how you want to live, not because you expect something in return or want to change someone else. You are also realistic about the fact that kindness might not have the desired effect, but you don’t let that stop you from being kind anyway.
- Instead of trying to change someone else with your kindness, focus on yourself and how you feel. Ask yourself why you are being kind and what benefits it brings to you. Maybe it makes you feel good, maybe it aligns with your values, maybe it helps you cope with stress or anger. Whatever the reason, remind yourself of it and appreciate it. Don’t let someone else’s unkindness ruin your mood or your day.
- Instead of taking someone else’s unkindness personally, try to understand where they are coming from and what they are going through. Maybe they are having a bad day, maybe they are dealing with some personal issues, maybe they are insecure or unhappy. That doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it might explain it. Try to empathize with them and see them as a human being who is struggling, just like you sometimes do.
- Instead of engaging in a conflict or an argument with someone who is unkind, try to avoid or end it peacefully. Don’t waste your time and energy on someone who doesn’t deserve it or won’t listen to reason. Don’t let them drag you down to their level or provoke you into saying or doing something you might regret later. If possible, walk away from the situation or change the subject. If not, agree to disagree and move on.
- Instead of holding a grudge or seeking revenge against someone who is unkind, try to forgive and let go. Don’t let their unkindness consume your thoughts or emotions for too long. Don’t let them have power over you or your happiness. Forgive them for your own sake, not for theirs. Forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning, it means freeing yourself from the burden of resentment and bitterness.
I hope this blog post has given you some food for thought and some inspiration to be kind anyway, even when others are not. Remember that kindness is not a weakness, but a strength. It is not a weapon, but a gift. It is not a way to kill someone, but a way to live.
Yours truly,
Ruslan Poptsov
circa Stardate 100939.84
*Please note that the concept of a Stardate is fictional and was created for the Star Trek universe. Different Star Trek series and movies use different systems for calculating Stardates, and there are several fan-made and official Stardate calculators available online. The Stardate I provided is based on one such calculator and may not match others you might find. 😊
P.S.
In the realm of ideas, the shift from a geocentric to a heliocentric model of the universe, as proposed by Nicolaus Copernicus, mirrors our endeavor to reframe kindness in this blog post. Just as Copernicus courageously challenged the established geocentric view, we are challenging the conventional saying “kill them with kindness”. His revolutionary model transformed our understanding of the universe, and similarly, we aim to transform the understanding of kindness, moving away from viewing it as a weapon to seeing it as an inherent value. This Copernican shift in our perspective of kindness encourages us to be kind for its own sake, not as a strategy or a response, but as a genuine expression of our character.
